Thursday, May 7, 2015

Cannot Seem To Get Over the Blues

I wish I would keep up with this idea.  It sounded great when I started.  Life has a way of creeping upon me.  Things throw me off what is really important.  What is really important you ask?      God and Family.  That is it!  What else is there?  Why am I blue?  I have made a mess of my life.  Not intentionally.  I did not wake up one morning all those years ago and say, "I'm going to make a mess of my life, I am going to offend everyone I come into contact with, I am going to be the butt of many jokes at my school, I am going to be the biggest failure in my school, I am going to get married five times, I am going to allow perversion to ruin my children's lives along with my own.  This post is for me.  I hate the depression.  I hate the way my life has turned out.  I cannot change it, but even if I could, it is too late.  The damage has been done.  There is something wrong with me.  There really is.  All I wanted was a happy marriage.  I never had one.  Maybe I would have screwed up even if I had listened to the Lord.  I did not even know the Lord for most of my life.  I know Him now, and I am overjoyed about the relationship I have with Him.  I just feel unfixable.  God does not see me that way.  What difference does it make that all my classmates had successful lives, finished college, made something of themselves and had/have successful children.  What difference does it make.  I never want to see any of them again.  School was the most miserable part of my life and I would never go back.  My mother "let" me apply for a college and the cost was $10.00.  It was non refundable.  I did not pass the entrance exam.  My mom got mad, called the college, told them she did not expect me to pass and wanted her money back.  I could not get into Union Carbide because I was too stupid to qualify for a job there.  Both times it was because I did not know algebra.  I guess I did not take it in school.  I still do not know it.  I just want some relief from my thoughts.  I am a mess, my kids are a mess.  There has always been something mentally wrong with me.  Back then no one knew about depression.  They just thought you were a nut.  And I was a nut.  I was lonely and I still am.  God please give me some relief from these thoughts.  Right now I cannot think about anything positive.  This is all wrong, but people should teach their kids to be kind.  To be kind to other kids.  It is too late for me.  Words do hurt.  No one liked me from school and I did not try to go to another college because I thought it would be the same.  Back then maybe it would have been.  I do not know what I did wrong for them to not like me.  I never fit in and the ore I tried, the more it did ot work.  Never did.  Now, I do not care if I fit in.  Fit into what?  Where God wants me.  I am sad, I am depressed, I am blue.  I am feeling sorry for myself.  But this is the first time I have ever written down that no one liked me from my school.  I have never said it to anyone.  Now I have.  I will never understand and those kids who are now grown up will never know and if they did not care about what words and even actions can do.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

The year 2013

All the views I get on this page, I wonder why no one leaves a comment.  Anyway, the year 2013 still has a few days to go, but I still want to write things down so I do not forget.  Or that I am the mood is more like it.  I truly wish I could say that this year has been a great year, but sorry to say, it really was not.  I am sure I spent New Year's Eve alone as I have for most of the last 11 years.  At least I had Cupcake with me then, but she is gone now.  I had to put her down.  She was 16 and I should have done it sooner, but my children did not want me to, but it  was time.  It is one of the saddest days of my life.  I held her while the vet gave her the shot or whatever.  I will never forget when she dropped her head.  I guess she was gone by then.  It was immediately and painless for her.  My son's dog, Moe, stays with me most of the time and they had become good friends.  So, poor little Moe mourned for about two weeks, but finally started being his own self.  He does not have anyone to play with now.

A good thing was I, as a lay person at my church, was asked to speak on Jesus' 7 last words for Good Friday.  There were 7 of us and I was Mary, the mother of Jesus.  Did you know that the deciple John was the only deciple that was at the crucifiction?  He (Jesus) made sure of his mother's welfare through the agony and suffering he was going through.  To John, here is your mother, to Mary, here is your son.  God's grace is sufficient for me.  Even when I feel bad or sad or disallusioned, his grace is everything.

The house I have lived in for three years has three pilons leaning and causing the house to settle more and more to the point that I think it may become dangerous.  As it turns out, it may be the ground that is uneven, not the pilons.  Insurance probably won't do anything about it, but I am not giving up.  There was a serious wind storm a month ago, and shingles were knocked off the roof.  The insurance should fix that.  I don't know what God has in mind, but do trust him.

I have been a bad steward of Go's money, and so it is my own fault I don't have the resources to get the necessary repairs for this house.  Still, I believe God will send someone to help.  I do have relatives who will help, but it will probably make my mom mad.  She thinks I take advantage of my sisters.  Especially the middle one.  Maybe I do.  But I have faced a lot of things about my childhood that I did not think was wrong.  I would have been better off if I had just believed it was good.

One of my sons is in prison.  I spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with my three other sons.  They were nice days.

I am trying to live on a budget.  I turned 69 this year and just now realizing I really do not know how to budget.  I am doing a bad job as of now.  I may not get out of debt before I die.  I do not make enough.  Again, it is my own fault.  God is not going to allow anyone to come to my rescue this time.  So I am on my own with His help of course.

There is more I suppose.  Those are just the highlights.  I am now the Ministry Assistant at the church which I love.

So, like everyone else, some good days and some bad days.  It is what we call "life."

Saturday, October 19, 2013


I cannot give details, but Praise the Lord, someone in need found us.  Tuesday, a young woman was walking and according to her, she was walking where she had not walked before.  She was praying about what she should do.  As she was praying, she looked up and saw our sign.  She came in and we had a nice fellowship period with her.  I pray she will come back.  Also, she had not eaten in a few days and we were able to feed her.  Praise the Lord.

If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what goodfn is that?
Tools specific to Jam 2:16

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Prayer Journal

This is a blessings journal.  It seems I have complained a lot in this blog.  Still, every complaint is an opportunity to grow.  I want to grow spiritually and have a relationship with Christ.  Depression is an opportunity for growth.  I've become that way because I cannot afford the meds I've been prescribed.  That sounds like a "cop out" but so be it.  I've battled depression all of my life.  When there was no name for it, people were put into "mental institutions" and many were probably forgotten.  So, thank God for modern remedies.  Why is this a blessing?  Because knowing I can't afford the meds (only one, still can afford two) I'm forced to find other ways of relief.   I've started watching my diet and started walking.  Walking is the best thing for depression.  It lifts your mood and causes a natural "high".  I have always known these things but for some reason have to think about them before I act.  So, for now, this is my blessing, that I have depression and have started doing something about it.  I cannot do anything without God's help.  So praise God.  I don't think anyone really reads this but family and myself, but if you have gotten this far, please give me some encouragement.  Follow my blog, share with others who are depressed.  This is an opportunity to start a dialogue with others who suffer in this way.  For today, my plan is to eat right, and walk.  Pray for my family and others.  Embrace my relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ.  
Hbr 4:16Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.  (NIV)

Friday, May 25, 2012

Comments About Last Entry

I really was depressed that day, but I did make it through everything I needed to do.  Got Mike to work, made the training.  I got my dates mixed up on the revival, so did not make it this year.  The open house at the gallery was fun.  I need to post some pics of my crafts.  My credit score went up by 21 points this month.  I wonder why.  It was pretty high already.  It has been a challenge to get the score to that level since someone used a credit card that was mine.  This is how they did it.  They took a credit card offer out of my mailbox, somehow got the new card and then charged quite a bit before I caught it.  Identity theft does not just affect one person.  It trickles down.  Because of this, I had to pay off things I never had in the first place.  If I had it to do again, I would press charges, since I knew who did it.  I learned a hard, hard lesson.  Anyway, my mom gave me my down payment on my new home.  At my age, I should not have to ask my parents for money.  But it is what it is.  My mom is a blessing and my whole family.  I have several great nieces and nephews.  I visited with some of them in SoCal when I was there a couple of months ago.  It was fun.  They are my sister's grandkids.  My other sister has a lot of grandkids and I have visited with only a few of them.  They grow so fast.  I miss my own grandchild and her three children.  I never had much of a chance to be a grandparent, but still hope to see them some day again.  They live 3,000 miles away, so not like I can just hop in the car and visit them.

Luke 11:13-If you then know you are evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him.

Thursday, May 17, 2012


It is one of those days again.  I am depressed and I don't really know why.  Maybe because my life has become so overwhelming again.  It gets that way sometimes and I don't know where to start.  I'll start with prayer.  I have prayed, and I feel I am really being tested today.  Simply because the dogs won't quit barking, the garbage man left a notice about what was in my recycling and I guess they did not take it.  I don't know.  I haven't checked.  I'm suppose to be at the art gallery tomorrow night and I don't even want to do that even though I've looked forward to it for a long time.   For the last month anyway, because I missed the last one because I was at my mom's.   I have to take some appetizers too and that means going to the store or making something.  Tonight the revival starts and the leadership class also I think.  Depression ruins everything.  It's a chore to get going every morning.  I don't want to do anything.  The things I need to do to keep healthy, I don't feel like, because I am so physically tired.  Everything else suffers when depression sets in.  The one good thing is that I know "this too shall pass."  Before I did not feel that way, but now with the proper medication it will end eventually.  Before the meds, I was like this all the time.  It is a chore and a forced at that just to clean house.  My house needs a thorough cleaning, the yard needs to be weeded, I need repairs and all of this I have not much help with.  Everyone in my life has their own life and I'm not that important in the scheme of things.  I am important to God and I know that even though I don't feel that way just now.  Lord, help me get through the day.  Just little things like getting laundry soap, getting my prescription refilled, getting to leadership training, and the revival.  Getting Michael to and from work.  "Normal" people just do it.  I have to talk to myself, get ready just like everyone else.  But getting ready is a chore also.  I know people who have never suffered from depression don't understand.  They say just do it."  I won't be ready to get out of here until I take Mike to work.  Until then, help me Lord to do what needs to be done in the house.  I would like to just do my arts and crafts.  At least that keeps my mind occupied.  Think on the good things.  Lord all I can say is "help me."  I am your daughter and I know you love me.  Please help.

Phil. 4:8-Finally Brethern, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right,  whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence, and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Blessings From Yesterday

Another day to serve the Lord.  I am grateful for getting safely to my destinations yesterday.  I went to the pain clinic in Napa.  While there, the PA offered me a patch for cortisone to help the arthritis in my foot.  So I'm grateful that I did to have to have a shot in my ankle.  It hurts. I accomplished everything I wanted to including a Mystery Shop along the way.  I love it when things fall into place.  So, in one trip, I did that shop, went to Staples and got $26.00 worth of "stuff" for free and then kept my doctor's appointment.  I was early to the appointment and it took only 15 minutes, so I was out of there quickly.  I am grateful for all of that.  The day before that, I went to San Francisco with a friend.  She just wanted the company.  We did some important business and then went to Santa Rosa and looked at some discount places.  I got some bargains there, but can't think of what right now.  I remember.  Specialty Coffee and a tin for Michael, both of which were on the clearance shelf.  It is fun looking through the clearances and imagine what you can do with the things on the shelf.  My creative mind kicks in. "One man's trash is another man's treasure."  I am looking for wooden objects I can re-purpose and paint.  I'm just about out of my inventory.  Tonight is a meeting for the Art Gallery members.  The first I will attend and I am looking forward to meeting the other artists.  I'm grateful that I have a place to display my craft.  I need to get on with my day.

Prov. 16:3---Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed.
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