Thursday, May 7, 2015

Cannot Seem To Get Over the Blues

I wish I would keep up with this idea.  It sounded great when I started.  Life has a way of creeping upon me.  Things throw me off what is really important.  What is really important you ask?      God and Family.  That is it!  What else is there?  Why am I blue?  I have made a mess of my life.  Not intentionally.  I did not wake up one morning all those years ago and say, "I'm going to make a mess of my life, I am going to offend everyone I come into contact with, I am going to be the butt of many jokes at my school, I am going to be the biggest failure in my school, I am going to get married five times, I am going to allow perversion to ruin my children's lives along with my own.  This post is for me.  I hate the depression.  I hate the way my life has turned out.  I cannot change it, but even if I could, it is too late.  The damage has been done.  There is something wrong with me.  There really is.  All I wanted was a happy marriage.  I never had one.  Maybe I would have screwed up even if I had listened to the Lord.  I did not even know the Lord for most of my life.  I know Him now, and I am overjoyed about the relationship I have with Him.  I just feel unfixable.  God does not see me that way.  What difference does it make that all my classmates had successful lives, finished college, made something of themselves and had/have successful children.  What difference does it make.  I never want to see any of them again.  School was the most miserable part of my life and I would never go back.  My mother "let" me apply for a college and the cost was $10.00.  It was non refundable.  I did not pass the entrance exam.  My mom got mad, called the college, told them she did not expect me to pass and wanted her money back.  I could not get into Union Carbide because I was too stupid to qualify for a job there.  Both times it was because I did not know algebra.  I guess I did not take it in school.  I still do not know it.  I just want some relief from my thoughts.  I am a mess, my kids are a mess.  There has always been something mentally wrong with me.  Back then no one knew about depression.  They just thought you were a nut.  And I was a nut.  I was lonely and I still am.  God please give me some relief from these thoughts.  Right now I cannot think about anything positive.  This is all wrong, but people should teach their kids to be kind.  To be kind to other kids.  It is too late for me.  Words do hurt.  No one liked me from school and I did not try to go to another college because I thought it would be the same.  Back then maybe it would have been.  I do not know what I did wrong for them to not like me.  I never fit in and the ore I tried, the more it did ot work.  Never did.  Now, I do not care if I fit in.  Fit into what?  Where God wants me.  I am sad, I am depressed, I am blue.  I am feeling sorry for myself.  But this is the first time I have ever written down that no one liked me from my school.  I have never said it to anyone.  Now I have.  I will never understand and those kids who are now grown up will never know and if they did not care about what words and even actions can do.
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